Thank you Donna for such great and timely advice. I crossed into the grief of not being known this week when my mom asked me who I was and then thanked me (her neice and then her granddaughter) for taking care of her. I'm blessed that she's here still and I have this opportunity to be here with her - We've had a rough relationship and now I'm in a position to serve her with compassion and love and this is huge but those moments of forgetfulness, lashing out and fear do give rise to my inner child who's still healing. ❤️ I definitely practice self care with a daily trek around the yard with my music, prayers, and podcasts. Sometimes I'm overstimulated and I have a good rant session during those walks. Anyone watching would certify me to the funny farm. Thankfully I live on a farm and my neighbors are 1/4 mile down the road.
Having lived with two people, my mother-in-law and Mum who had demntia I appreciate the problem.
My partial antidote was to remind myself how scared they both were and that fear and the dissolving of their social filters was the reason for their anger, not me.
I absolutely needed to hear this. “When they can no longer express their love for you, how you care for yourself becomes an expression of your love for them.” So true!
I wrote a poem on my page about Alzheimer’s and I would love to see your perspective on it :)
This was such a beautiful and helpful article, thank you Donna! My biggest trigger is when my MIL accuses my husband of taking all her money. My brain knows that it's the dementia, but my body reacts with hard facts and truth. We've travelled across seas and relocated to a foreign country to care for her, and without us she wouldn't even have enough money to support herself, and here she is accusing her son of taking HER money!!!
But I love your wisdom and advice: the harsh words are coming from an entirely different place. Be pre-prepared with a response.
I am so going to do this. I feel guilty every time I react to her accusations. I know it's the dementia but I wasn't good at handling her out-of-the-blue harsh words. Now I feel equipped to handle these situations. Thank you so so much!!!
I found this article in a Note by Victoria. It's not letting me tag her here, but I see she left a comment below. I love that you covered this situation, as the hurtful words are part of the disease and not the person. Helpful information for those caring for people with dementia, but also for anyone facing a terminal illness with a family member as they lash out while trying to process what's going on.
"Meet Them in Their Reality, Not Yours." This is top-notch advice, Donna. Yes. A hundred times, yes. Even though my mom is gone, it still helps to read your experiences and wisdom, as I continue to process the experience of loving someone who had dementia.
Thank you, Sarah. I took care of my dad until the end. I am currently caring for my husband, who has dementia. It's exhausting, but I wouldn't have it any other way 💙
Hi Donna - a great article. I used to have a similar agreement with friends that if I texted and had a small window, they'd prioritise chatting with me, even if they were at work, because things were so fraught caring for my Dad. Thanks for joining our Carer Mentor community.
Thank you, Victoria. People who don't live it can't imagine how difficult it can be at times. I'm hoping to get readers to understand this phase of their loved one's life and learn to embrace it!
Thanks, Donna for an article that contains many action steps. I am not a caregiver, but a person with dementia. I have a live-in caregiver who does pretty well interacting with me. I just hate to be reminded of so many things. Anyhoo, I write a newsletter sharing my own journey so people with dementia don’t feel so alone. And to their caregivers. It looks like we cover much of the same ground. Maybe we can help each other.
Thank you Donna for such great and timely advice. I crossed into the grief of not being known this week when my mom asked me who I was and then thanked me (her neice and then her granddaughter) for taking care of her. I'm blessed that she's here still and I have this opportunity to be here with her - We've had a rough relationship and now I'm in a position to serve her with compassion and love and this is huge but those moments of forgetfulness, lashing out and fear do give rise to my inner child who's still healing. ❤️ I definitely practice self care with a daily trek around the yard with my music, prayers, and podcasts. Sometimes I'm overstimulated and I have a good rant session during those walks. Anyone watching would certify me to the funny farm. Thankfully I live on a farm and my neighbors are 1/4 mile down the road.
Blessings to you, Kimberly 🙏 That was a hard time for me, too, when my dad didn't know me or my sister. 😮💨
Having lived with two people, my mother-in-law and Mum who had demntia I appreciate the problem.
My partial antidote was to remind myself how scared they both were and that fear and the dissolving of their social filters was the reason for their anger, not me.
I absolutely needed to hear this. “When they can no longer express their love for you, how you care for yourself becomes an expression of your love for them.” So true!
I wrote a poem on my page about Alzheimer’s and I would love to see your perspective on it :)
This was such a beautiful and helpful article, thank you Donna! My biggest trigger is when my MIL accuses my husband of taking all her money. My brain knows that it's the dementia, but my body reacts with hard facts and truth. We've travelled across seas and relocated to a foreign country to care for her, and without us she wouldn't even have enough money to support herself, and here she is accusing her son of taking HER money!!!
But I love your wisdom and advice: the harsh words are coming from an entirely different place. Be pre-prepared with a response.
I am so going to do this. I feel guilty every time I react to her accusations. I know it's the dementia but I wasn't good at handling her out-of-the-blue harsh words. Now I feel equipped to handle these situations. Thank you so so much!!!
I found this article in a Note by Victoria. It's not letting me tag her here, but I see she left a comment below. I love that you covered this situation, as the hurtful words are part of the disease and not the person. Helpful information for those caring for people with dementia, but also for anyone facing a terminal illness with a family member as they lash out while trying to process what's going on.
"Meet Them in Their Reality, Not Yours." This is top-notch advice, Donna. Yes. A hundred times, yes. Even though my mom is gone, it still helps to read your experiences and wisdom, as I continue to process the experience of loving someone who had dementia.
Thank you, Sarah. I took care of my dad until the end. I am currently caring for my husband, who has dementia. It's exhausting, but I wouldn't have it any other way 💙
Thinking of you, Donna ... <3
Hi Donna - a great article. I used to have a similar agreement with friends that if I texted and had a small window, they'd prioritise chatting with me, even if they were at work, because things were so fraught caring for my Dad. Thanks for joining our Carer Mentor community.
Thank you, Victoria. People who don't live it can't imagine how difficult it can be at times. I'm hoping to get readers to understand this phase of their loved one's life and learn to embrace it!
Absolutely, Donna! in case you don't check notes often - FYI https://substack.com/@carermentor/note/c-107061256?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=a9y7d
several people I think could be good connections.
Thanks, Donna for an article that contains many action steps. I am not a caregiver, but a person with dementia. I have a live-in caregiver who does pretty well interacting with me. I just hate to be reminded of so many things. Anyhoo, I write a newsletter sharing my own journey so people with dementia don’t feel so alone. And to their caregivers. It looks like we cover much of the same ground. Maybe we can help each other.
Absolutely! We have a common goal ☺️